The Stream Flows…

I don’t know that I possess an adequate vocabulary to describe my week.  I think I slept.. 2.5 of the last 5 nights.  I’m not certain what’s been keeping me up… admittedly my neighbors spared me from the Sandman’s wrath at least once this week…

I often feel as though the world is existing around me and I’m just along for the ride.  Things seem surreal…  maybe my skin has thickened such that I’m unable to feel the details.

The mask is intact at least, for now.

The Stream Flows…

That awkward moment when your ex’s socks are the only ones clean.

My days have been long, but the experience a positive one, certainly compared to previously…

A ‘new’ wardrobe. Pricey but necessary.  Have to look the part…

Maybe no one will see my socks while my shoes are on….

The Stream Flows…

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” – Orwell

The process is a monotonous one, but I can feel my world expanding again, the holes slowly filling.

I have no idea why you reached out to me… again.  I don’t need congratulations, I don’t need words of encouragement from you, not now.  Thanks, but I got this.  I’m focusing on me, just as I should be and there’s no closure you could offer that I require…I’m struggling to find something to be proud of again.  You serve as a reminder of only shame…

I’ve come to believe that my heart never breaks.  My heart exists always in many pieces, when two of those pieces meet, the attraction is absolute, consuming and immediate.  When they part ways again the sense of loss is equally pervasive and severe…

There is never a moment of breaking, as I don’t believe there is, or has ever been, a moment where it’s been whole…

A new hobby.

I’ve decided that from time to time, I’m going to rewrite old adages or metaphors in more embellished ways…in my head.  I figure it will stifle boredom, and improve my vocabulary.  It’s inevitable that I will share some here.

I must brainstorm a name for this hobby…

Today’s adage: “The Golden Rule”

One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.

Eq’s Take:

Embody only that which you would see propagate unto the world.

The Stream Flows…

It’s been a long time since I was in a position where it was necessary to mask my anxiety issues for a whole day.  It takes more out of me than I remember. I’ve been left so drained, and today’s ‘first of many’ was a far cry from difficult.

It’s important to keep in mind that each step makes the next easier.  Tonight I will sleep early. Hours of sleeplessness last night did me no favors.

I told myself I would slow down. I told myself I would stop. There are more important things at stake now. I guess I don’t know how to stop doing the only thing that calms me enough to close my eyes.

Comfort me, Riptide.  Impose your will on the dreams and nightmares that would serve to distract me.

I’ve been texting her.  It’s not my place to be, but I’ll admit, it’s nice to be reminded of constants to be thankful for.  I miss you, Little One, not a day goes by I don’t think about you and wish things could have been different.  I’m sure we made the right choice…  please know it was because we loved you.

The Stream Flows…

Tomorrow begets a first step, I’m nervous and uncertain.  I expect to sleep early tonight.. maybe in the next few minutes.  I have to do this without the support I was hoping for.  The day will be long, but I’ll keep to myself and in time I hope to acclimatize again.

New beginnings, I weep for endings I wasn’t prepared for.

Moments of Contemplation

This afternoon, I was chatting briefly with an old friend of mine, discussing my new job and how I was feeling about it.  The conversation evolved into a discussion that really demanded self-reflection.  The exchange broke me open a bit, so I feel a brief transcript be kept, necessarily:

😛 Yeah, I don’t expect the debt to be around long.. it sucks that it’s gotten as high as it has.. *sighs* .. not a moment goes by that I don’t wish things had gone differently.

I can’t even imagine better.
I spend all my time looking for something close.. but it’s all shallow and meaningless.

then some how get her back … >.> spend all the time you can getting her if you cant then find something that fills the void

… the real world doesn’t work that way, sir. It’s not like I haven’t tried. She knows. She reads my blog.. I’ve outright asked a couple times since we split up. It’s on her, I can’t obsess more than I already am. If she wants me, she’ll come back

If she wants someone else… it hurts.. a lot, but it’s her choice.

then theres only the move on option yes?

Of course. Which I’ve been trying to do.. but again, all shallow and meaningless. There’s no… rare, special, spark.

you will find one bro it just takes time cant expect it immediatly

Perhaps not, but jesus the loneliness and pervasive feeling of pointlessness without it..

it goes away …. had it for like a year but it went away

Yeah well.. here’s hoping I have that kind of conviction… I shouldn’t have let her get away again.. there’s no warning with her.. no build up. It’s just.. BOOM too far, game over.

Must construct additional conversations, bro.

>.> additional ?

See… she would have just.. understood that.

she got the quirks.. you know?

she had that unique personality set that you just dont find 😮

No offence, I love you like a brother.. but she understood me on a level that is so rare… I was able to really speak the way I felt.

but that fact there was no warning from her sucks … so the fact was she just was not very open about that kind of stuff

none taken 😛
unlike yourself im very simple and easy to understand lol which is a good and bad thing

It’s not even a matter of ‘being open’ .. our communication was fine. The singular fight, expanded to the point that it ended our relationship again in a period of.. 3 hours?

it should take more then that though … dont you think?

The two of us are clever.. we dug up foundations of things we were fighting to fix out of the arguments we spat at eachother…. she lost hope in my ability to change in a way that allowed her to grow.

….see i just stop talking when i get in a fight and step away

Heh, you’re a stronger man than I in that respect, sir.