On the Socialization of Humans
These thoughts are dedicated to all the futures we’ve given up in
pursuit of comfortable presents.
My soap was blue this morning.
Having been expecting the green I’d grown accustomed to over years, I found myself contemplating change…
The changes my life has undergone recently are pervasive and staggering. The passage of time seems to give precisely zero fucks about my belabored breathing. I can’t believe how much time has past… it’s been months since you left.
I’ve crashed face first into the realization that I probably will never see you again…though beyond that, if I were to see you again…I’m doubtful you’d be the same woman I knew and loved.
The will of fate and time be done, and the cries of anguish are ignored.
believe I started smoking as a means of ‘socially acceptable’ self-destruction. A dark spot in my past resulted in the loss of my ability to care about myself. I guess that’s the true genesis of self-resentment, even before you.
Maybe it’s all my fault for not recognizing this in myself sooner. I could have prevented a lot of what happened in the past year if I’d seen myself as incapable of participating in a healthy relationship before we’d met. I’m sorry for the grief my ignorance caused us both…
I’ve been spending all my time digging internally. I’m trying to find purpose, I’m trying to find a genuine smile, somewhere in there.
I’ll keep looking, though I’m wracked by the regret of losing my best friend and companion in that search…
It was my original intention to list an exhaustive compilation of applicable adjectives here, it seems a tad unnecessary however. I am a man, a collection of memories, emotions, experiences and opinions. I am far from infallible, but who is? I embrace my mistakes for they are a bigger part of me than most things are these days. I don’t need the opinions or affections of others to define who I am. I exist independently of those things, a hard truth to face on occasion, but a truth just the same. I can draw strength or weakness from this truth, which is only mine to decide.
I take solace in this.
What’s wrong with me?
..and most notably: There will always be something you can control: Yourself
I began questioning the point of it all. What is the point of trying when the people you love give up on you? I stood thinking a moment, the water cascading down my back, washing my fears down the drain like weeks of tear stains and sweat, compiled through the broken will of a man who once had it all.
I concluded that the point to all this, was to build oneself into a state worthy of that future someone who can see past the masks one wears. Someone who can love me when I laugh, love me when I scream and know that BOTH of these things are manifested through fear, fear of showing weakness, fear of letting pain show, fear of falling down and being unable to stand back up.
It’s time to be worthy.
he frequency with which these are posted, will be determined by interesting content… not by the build up of flies around me, necessitating another shower. I promise I shower more frequently than these posts. That being said, a brief lead up:
This morning, once my eyes gave in to my mind and opened, I asked My Heart,
“What is it you can be certain of?”
To which was replied “I’m certain I love you, and that you love me”. As good a start to the day as any. When my question was directed back at me I of course replied “My own existence.”, without missing a beat like the classy, philosophical, fucker that I am.
My shoulder still hurts.
The idea that I’m expressing here, is Solipsism, and to those of you who didn’t waste thousands of dollars and years of your life listening to old people talk, here’s a link:
If we allow the train of thought to stop in other parts of the world for a moment, we’re afforded the consideration of certain Buddhist teachings. On a very rudimentary level Buddhism teaches that we exist only as a amalgamate of 5 aggregates.
The crib notes version is that no ‘self’ exists beyond the following:
Consideration of these two teachings this morning lead contradiction to sting my mind as soap stung my eyes.
Descartes would argue that all five of those aggregates exist as uncertainties, and that the only certainty can be found in the existence of SOMETHING upon or by which those aggregates are being enacted. Buddhism seems less concerned about certainty and more concerned by an acceptance of a lack there of.
My take on certainty is a mixed bag. I believe without an infallible foundation of belief that everything else loses value. Without this foundation, intent becomes chance. All thoughts or actions based on false premises or foundations terminally lose value. Chance isn’t to be respected. Appreciated perhaps, but not respected.
The catch to my personal line of thinking of course, is that uncertainty does not necessarily beget an unstable foundation of belief. Thoughts and actions based on an understanding of uncertainty and a relinquishment of expectation, RETAIN VALUE.
As I write this I’m beginning to derive the idea that self exists not as an amalgamation of aggregates, or as an undefined being these attributes are all applicable to, but as an archive of retained value. It seems intuitive to say we exist as a tally of our past actions. The good, the bad, it all makes up who we are as people. Why not extrapolate this idea to the metaphysical?
Only question now is.. ‘Where’s my towel?’, this chair is utterly soaked.
Any time I shower, I get bored. No ill implication toward my girlfriend, I must clarify. There’s simply very little stimulation standing in a glass box for 20 minutes. That being said, my mind wanders and my aforementioned girlfriend is convinced others might find interest in where.
I say this is likely not the best of topics, because I really drew no conclusion today. I posited the following question:
“If aliens came to Earth, peacefully, proving the existence of life beyond Earth, Jesus came to Earth, and displayed, irrefutable proof that he was in fact the son of God, AND a prominent, influential World Leader was assassinated all in the same day, what would be covered on the 6 o’clock news?”
Just a question this time around. I’m sure deeper ideas and thought experiments will transpire…but what can you really expect from 6am shower-time?
Very little indeed.