#DearMe

I believe my opinions regarding self-reflection are evident and clear within this blog.  I believe the importance of self-reflection to be universal.  The recent trend of ‘girl-power’ themed letters to former selves is an inspirational one, and I believe a lot could be gleaned if everyone participated!  That said:

Dear 12 year old me;

A lot’s changing.  You’ve never concerned yourself over physical changes, but you feel the dynamic of relationships around you changing.  Don’t lose sleep over the screaming, it matters now, but its importance will pass.

Don’t worry about your sister.  It’ll take a few years before you fully understand everything, but I promise she’s alright.

Dear 17 year old me;

This is the year you begin to define yourself.  For the first time in your life you will hold the brush and the mural you paint will depict who you are as a person for years to come.

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.  Grades come and go, as do jobs.  Focus on living and don’t be afraid to push your boundaries.  It’s only when you abolish the need for comfort that you truly begin to come into your own.

Dear 24 year old me;

Don’t let darkness consume you.  You came out of the relationship stronger than ever and you produced a miracle.  Be proud of everything you’ve done by this point.

She won’t hate you forever, and your perspective of everything will stabilize.  This is the first moment you truly experience fear and loneliness.  135 scars serve to remind me of what you went through. Learn from it.

You develop a substance abuse problem this year.  It sneaks up on you and you’re brilliant at rationalizing it.  See it for what it is, and prepare yourself for a struggle.

Stop burning bridges just because they aren’t painted your favorite fucking colour.

Dear 27 year old me;

Jesus.  I didn’t think you’d make it through the last 6 months.  You did so and still find reason to smile each day.  I’m harder on you now than ever before and it’s because I know what you’re capable of.

Pay little mind to the exhaustion right now.  Don’t concern yourself over drama.  You’ve been uprooted again, reminded of all those feelings of loneliness and fear.  The silver lining is that this has provided you with room to grow once more.

You’ve a habit of entangling your life with others.  This isn’t inherently bad, though all your experience and advice may point this way.

Keep searching, never forget, work hard.

Where you’re going doesn’t matter as much as what you learn to get there.

A new hobby.

I’ve decided that from time to time, I’m going to rewrite old adages or metaphors in more embellished ways…in my head.  I figure it will stifle boredom, and improve my vocabulary.  It’s inevitable that I will share some here.

I must brainstorm a name for this hobby…

Today’s adage: “The Golden Rule”

One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.

Eq’s Take:

Embody only that which you would see propagate unto the world.

Moments of Contemplation

This afternoon, I was chatting briefly with an old friend of mine, discussing my new job and how I was feeling about it.  The conversation evolved into a discussion that really demanded self-reflection.  The exchange broke me open a bit, so I feel a brief transcript be kept, necessarily:

😛 Yeah, I don’t expect the debt to be around long.. it sucks that it’s gotten as high as it has.. *sighs* .. not a moment goes by that I don’t wish things had gone differently.

I can’t even imagine better.
I spend all my time looking for something close.. but it’s all shallow and meaningless.

then some how get her back … >.> spend all the time you can getting her if you cant then find something that fills the void

… the real world doesn’t work that way, sir. It’s not like I haven’t tried. She knows. She reads my blog.. I’ve outright asked a couple times since we split up. It’s on her, I can’t obsess more than I already am. If she wants me, she’ll come back

If she wants someone else… it hurts.. a lot, but it’s her choice.

then theres only the move on option yes?

Of course. Which I’ve been trying to do.. but again, all shallow and meaningless. There’s no… rare, special, spark.

you will find one bro it just takes time cant expect it immediatly

Perhaps not, but jesus the loneliness and pervasive feeling of pointlessness without it..

it goes away …. had it for like a year but it went away

Yeah well.. here’s hoping I have that kind of conviction… I shouldn’t have let her get away again.. there’s no warning with her.. no build up. It’s just.. BOOM too far, game over.

Must construct additional conversations, bro.

>.> additional ?

nevermind.
See… she would have just.. understood that.

she got the quirks.. you know?

she had that unique personality set that you just dont find 😮

No offence, I love you like a brother.. but she understood me on a level that is so rare… I was able to really speak the way I felt.

but that fact there was no warning from her sucks … so the fact was she just was not very open about that kind of stuff

none taken 😛
unlike yourself im very simple and easy to understand lol which is a good and bad thing

It’s not even a matter of ‘being open’ .. our communication was fine. The singular fight, expanded to the point that it ended our relationship again in a period of.. 3 hours?

it should take more then that though … dont you think?

The two of us are clever.. we dug up foundations of things we were fighting to fix out of the arguments we spat at eachother…. she lost hope in my ability to change in a way that allowed her to grow.

….see i just stop talking when i get in a fight and step away

Heh, you’re a stronger man than I in that respect, sir.

Cliches

A new year, a new beginning, a new job, a new me.

I breathe in the prospects of opportunity, change and self-improvement.
I exhale the tribulations of my past such that my mind is clear and I am open to new experiences.

Here’s to a new start.

If anyone’s curious as to my resolutions, ask. It would make for a great conversation

Tonight

There was standing room only in the lounge tonight.  The air was electric as I was graced with the art waged by some of the most impressive poets I’ve ever met.

I drank in their words as I sipped at my vodka and all I could think was… you’re missing out.

I’ll take this over being high and alone.. any day.

Quiet thoughts…

I thought leaving the city behind would afford a much needed respite from the harshness of reality. It has to an extent, though once quiet thoughts seem amplified against the backdrop of silence here.

It’s a difficult balance to find, between focus and distraction…the old ‘lose yourself in something’ motif never really did it for me…too much bandwidth in my information super highway, if you know what I’m sayin’

I do what I can of course.  Progress is made one step at a time…even if I feel I have no feet…

…maybe it’s time to walk on my hands.

Home Sweet Home

My initial impressions of my hometown were that a great deal has changed.  The city has grown.

Time actually spent there has offered my impressions much needed clarity.  The soul of the city is the same as it’s ever been.  That is to say, there’s a relaxed air blanketing a poorly hidden turmoil.  I’m reminded why I left.

New buildings change a city, about as much as new trees change a forest.

I’m home now, and I am glad to be.